I have some questions that have been tickling what is left of my mind, regarding the beer section. The first one that comes to mind, and convinced me to actually sit and write this…is the Angry Orchard Cider. I have had this and all three flavours are delicious. However… what happens if it is apple picking time (to make the cider) and the Orchard is only Mildly Irritated? Do they need a new brand name? Can they get enough alcohol to make the cider? Do they have to find a way to make the Orchard actually angry, and if so, how? I can picture the Orchard Manager walking through the Orchard threatening the trees. “If you don’t make better apples, I will turn you into a picnic table!” Or, would the Orchard Manager be better off stealing from Monty Python? “Your mother was a hamster (or fig tree) and your father smelled of elderberries!”
On the other hand, what if the Orchard is Seriously Pissed Off. Would Seriously Pissed Off Orchard Cider be better, more flavourful, higher in alcohol? Would it be more marketable? If so, why hasn’t anyone done anything about this before, perhaps using the techniques mentioned in the preceding paragraph? Then again, if the Orchard is Seriously Pissed Off, that might make the cider too bitter, how does the Orchard Manager appease it? “Hey, check out that cute pear tree in the orchard across the street…” “You have the best looking set of branches I have EVER seen!” “Would you look at the canopy on that one?” Are there better ways to assuage a Seriously Pissed Off Orchard to make it only Angry? What if you promised it better sunshine or more water on a hot day?
What if the Angry Orchard could be placated … would it make sweeter cider if it were the Content Orchard, or with enough good fertilizer, the Joyful Orchard? Does the emotional state of the Orchard help determine how much fruit and the quality and style that get produced? Then again, in a moral sense, if you have a Content Orchard… does the Orchard Manager have what it takes to step up and ruin that in order to generate better cider by making the Orchard Angry? I might posit that in order for the Orchard Manager to have the attitude to take care of these issues, he would have to be an Arrogant Bastard … which would just open up an entirely new can of worms… too much for this forum, but perhaps at a later time. ~Rich